Oh Taiwan, I think you saved me.
Oh Taiwan, I think you saved me.
No, that’s not true. A place cannot save a person. Location is a temporary fix when the feet keep moving.
Last time I was in Taiwan, I pushed myself to the edge. I glanced down at the opportunity to fall, and I nearly stumbled over. Down, down, down the abyss. For the next 2 years, I battled a variety of mental storms. Sometimes thunder and lighting. Other times typhoons, tornados, earthquakes, tsunamis, or blizzards. In hindsight, it is easy to track the consistency of internal violence, but when each storm looks different, it’s hard to track the intensity, frequency, and presence altogether. Sometimes I also danced in the rain, built snowmen in the flakes, and got caught and carried by the wind.
Timidly, I will now tell you that I think the storms have passed. (Okay there is one very particular wound that is still infected and reopens every once in awhile, but I think that is not so much a storm and more than I am walking on ice that could crack, consume me, and freeze my body before I could even drown).
I digress.
I could say that I have Taiwan to thank for the settling tides.
I have Taiwan to thank as it gave me a place that could be mine. It gave me a home to return to— where I could easily compare who I was to who I am now. I traced the familiar streets, noticing where my feet were more confident to step than before. Taiwan gave me affordable and delicious vegan food, so much boba, and old and new friends alike. I had agency to determine my day-to-day. Maybe I always had it, but here I actualized it.
Because of Taiwan, I know who I am, as myself. I know my ties to land, people, and my body.
I am speaking so abstract, but this is how Stephanie speaks about the vulnerable stuff. Maybe also because it is 12:48 am, and I am at the airport.
the Last Day
Today I had my last meal at NTU cafeteria. I had my second, and last oat milk boba in Taipei. I had a spontaneous 4-hour long conversation with a new friend (oh how the world just keeps on giving). I biked through the city and inhaled way too much motorbike exhaust.
I said another goodbye to Taiwan, but perhaps one day there will be another hello. I never expected to be back here so soon, but I think the moment was right.
